Merry Fuckmasss

Bit of Santa BANTER


"The reason for the season is Jesus, not MDMA blud"

Lost forever in translation...

Chapter 1:

did steam train hit chunfer station after ur frothy revs cocktail butt n our shotties!? LOL!gd nite eh buttt!u know tht barman was lik we havnt got any pineapple glasses, for my cocktail, n we wer lik wtf is tht lol, welllll i went downstairs to the bar later on n found out, an actual glass shaped like a pineapple with lik a leafy lid n lil hole for straw, was the highlight of my nite butt!hahaxx

Chapter 2:

haha aww ye ye , by accident, tht old chestnut eh!:p haha thot u wud after the froth, yuck lol aw butt the glass was amazing, duno y i didnt take it with me as souvenir, gt pics so wen i put em up hav look, made my nit it did haha aw well not too abd actually, dragged annie to chippy lane wen revs closed as i was gagging for sum gracy cheese chips n a jumbo susage in batter, my drunken feast lol, so tht eased any rumble in the jungles i think tbh, but pricye was feelin it thismorn after gettin evryone the shotsticks in lol! havin nemore nites out fbre u head home nw butt? we doin business nite out tomoz, rechargin the batteries today now for it as im bludy shattered as bin one manci wk!!lolxxx

Da Vinci CUNT: 2011 brought to you by the illiterate Dan Brown's ASS.

Republic? Cunt-up-lick!

ELBOW filled in a job application form for Republic...

How would your best friend describe you?
Positive, energetic and sarcastic with humorous banter.

Why should we employ you?
I like to look alternative and wear leather jackets and converse trainers. I believe a good customer experience is generated from being positive, helpful and friendly without being overbearing and pushy.

Why fashion?
Fashion creates landfill and makes people feel inferior. However, it can also make people feel good about themselves while creating an industry which in turn creates jobs and tax for the government.

Why Republic?
I have two SoulCal hoodies which have lasted nearly two years. This is an impressive feat for any item of clothing, especially a hoody. I would like to give something back to Republic for the service these hoodies have given me.

What were your first impressions of Republic?
My first impressions of Republic were the same as any chain fashion store. Clean and sterile. But the hard wearing nature of the hoodies sold by the republic chain has changed my mind. I now believe Republic are at the forefront of sustainable fashion, which is a noble aim and something I would rightly applaud.

NOT a Republic-AN!

Pitchfork Polemic.

Pitchfork Paris music festival was SHIT!

I know we're going crazy but we need BOOSH now!

Entente Cordial

What with this furore around Gadaffi, who was exclusively revealed as the manager of the new music alliance between our favourite politicans, the planned album and tour have stalled. However, we can reveal that the group have decided to call themselves 'Entente Cordiale'.

The band have had to postpone a tour and album release because, in his own words, Blair explained, "I've got this little mess to clear up in the Middle East as UN Envoy. Cherie isn't happy, I'm not happy, but these blasted Israelis and Palestinians keep throwing bombs around like little Ewan does when shouting pro-Cameron soundbites at Cherie in the morning". Sounds intense.

However, FUCKGEIST can exclusively reveal (in more ways than one), the new cover for the forthcoming album. Gordon Brown explained the reasoning behind the decision to have Clinton and Al Gore in skimpy costumes: "Well, I think of it (weird breath in) as Bill has a strong sexual appeal that is better than a poster girl (weird breath in), and Al Gore shows that as a group we are very hypocritical".

More news soon, folks.....

Royal Marine Exercise in Lympstone Village

Setting the scene: Near to a village in East Devon, called Lympstone, there is a Royal Marines Commando "Training" Centre. Each year, the marines take over the village, and this culminates in the new officers that are 'passing out' (no, not after a night at QCLUB) apprehending 'criminals' from one of the local pubs. Obviously this attracts quite a few locals, and these are actively encouraged to resist this arrest. They are given a talk half an hour before the 'arrest', and even told a safety word, in this case 'VIKING', in case they need to call things to a halt.

FLATLINE was part of this 'resistance', and as much fun as it may have been getting to call marines 'cunts' and pushing them around causing a fuss, it painted a real, true and quite saddening image of what people from our country do in the name of the government. Just from a practice exercise, FLATLINE has a bruise. Weak man.

Just imagine this happening in a village in a remote part of Afghanistan, or Iraq, or anywhere that our supposed government has invaded. The 'media' wonders why people "representing" our "country" (the interests of Multi National Companies) are met with such hatred. Because they act like total badmen, AND they believe they are working for some sort of 'good cause'.

McJob........McCunt?

Graduate career advice. Check out Douglas Coupland. He explains your current situation. Generation X/Generation A. He understands.
Scenario A: Get a high-pressure job that provides MONEY at the expense of a life - be unhappy
Scenario B: Get an unskilled, low pressure job; understand why you are doing it = have the freedom to have a "fun" life, but have no working dignity.
Scenario C: Kill yourself.

Average mindset of a human when confronted with these scenarios:
A. No! B. A. B. Oh fuck it...C....Goodbye!

OR....Get a transit van. Be Men with Ven. You will always find a job ripping off old ladies.

New Music: Clinton, Blair, Brown, Putin, Obama and Bush Unite to Form Musical Supergroup - Touring Soon!

We've been working on this for months now, and we are now proud to announce the formation of a new band. Presenting to you, for one night only folks, THE G6:

WE GOT TONY BLAIR ON LEAD GUITAR

WE GOT BA-RACK O-BAMA ON DRUMS

WE GOT PUTIN ON PIANO

THE BIG BOOOOOSH ON VOCALS AND BACKING GUITAR

WE GOT GORDON BROWN ON BASS 

WE GOT BILL CLINTON ON SAX

Gadaffi is currently managing the band. He's already managed to cool off Brown and Blair's arguments, and Clinton's high sex drive. Hardline = BASSLINE.

The band formed after a chance meeting at the Stone Circle at Glastonbury Festival 2011. A trio of gentlemen tripping on Acid brought the group together, and told them of their dream that the sextuplet would form a political supergroup. They had been watching Coldplay that evening, and persuaded the group to form by stating: "If Chris Cunting Martin can do it, so can you". That was all it took. 4 months later, here we are.
Tour dates coming soon...watch this space!

THE BIG BOOOSH 

Caning the hits

Getting a series of big hitters on the blog. Mostly from the United States. What is going on? Obama looking for some re-election advice? Here's some advice Obama: buy a leather jacket, walk into the Senate/Congress. Lay out your plans for America - Go HAM. Nobody will fucking mess with you if you wear a leather jacket. Give leather jackets out to your lads in the 'stan, the Taliban will shit it.

WANTED: FOR CRIMES OF BANTER

Have you seen this bant man?

Nasal pass... do I smell bant?

 

Through the banthole

Following the London riots, this bad man has been tearing up the small seaside town of Exmouth in a multitude of dutty ways:

• He withdrew large amounts of lash from the lashpoint, using a stolen card from one of UPHC's star forwards.
• He then proceeded to go around the many hotspots of the town (Number 9, da Monkee, da York) with a banter level dangerously off the scale. 
• He moved on to QSAT, the bouncers moved out of his way as he waltzed in. Fear gripping even the most hardened cunts that are supposed to be guarding the entrance to this sacred club.
• He bought 7 bottles of cheap lager, one for each of the 18 year old girls that he had slept with the night before.
• Moving onto the dance floor, he went HAM, throwing the duttiest shapes known to man. Forget Dancing on Ice, this was Dancing on Bravado.
• Many females came up to him, his common response was '6/10, better luck next time'. Until he found the youngest girl there, with the thickest layer of makeup and lowest cut top. 
• He stopped sharking for the night to get chips and drinks from the dutty kebab shop with his new QCLUB bride. 
• Nothing is known about their night together, except he was seen in the morning with a lashmina over his face, doing the walk of dutty shame.

Do not be fooled. This man may appear at first instance to be a generic lad, with his Supershit T-shirt and Jack Cunt 'sweat pants', but his bant has been known to reduce grown rugby players to tears. 

Approach with caution. Get your anti-banter spray (a copy of the The Economist rolled up) out and be ready to use it. DO NOT HOLD BACK!

Carry me, looting and howling

Yes...the London riots are bad.
But, fucking hell....our country has killed thousands of innocent civilians in the purpose of peace over the past...well let's keep it recent, say 70 years.

How many people are dying during these riots? How many people have Thatcher, Blair, Brown and Cameron killed due to their policies? Our "elected" politicians.

They're worth less because it isn't happening on your doorstep?
NOW THAT IS THE SICKENING THING ABOUT ALL THIS!

Portugese Opinion

Let's 'ave a facking mindshower:

• Spoke to a Portugese geezeeeer tonight.
• Pretty Malthusian.
• Overpopulation = over consumption = more GM Crops and Abattoirs.

How about we just consume less in the Western world?


Fuck that, let the Lib Dem coalition sort that out!

Is that a spliff boyz??

6 out of 10...better luck next time Clegg.

It's so cold in this house

Russia own the gas. GAZPROM.
China own the minerals. Neo-imperialism.
America own DEBT. NO TAX=POVERTY!
United Kingdom owns...your dutty soul.

Take that MIDDLE ENGLAND you cunts. Go read the Daily Mail or the Telegraph and sip your Earl Grey (with lemon, no milk thank you)

Man Made Natural Disaster

Succumb to the dutty 9-5.
Or maybe it's 8.30-17:30...whichever.
Collect your 17K...whatever.
Take your 20 days leave...go to Ibiza/Turkey....fuck whoever.
Go back home....fuck whoever.
Have a baby and a mortage....whenever (will I get out of this debt)
Regret your life....FOREVER.

FLATLINE

Elbowed-Jew

Found out tonight that ELBOW has JEWISH HERITAGE. This explains why he added Adsense. This explains why he sold his SOUL to a 9-5 job. This explains why he supports Israel over Palestine, despite a wealth of academic debate that discredits the JEWISH position towards the Middle East in general.

"The Jews are the only people in the world who have found hostility in every country in which they settled in any numbers. The big question is - WHY?" (stormfront.org)

This IS NOT anti-semitism. ELBOW is just living up the stereotype of his RACE. He does have a big nose. Of course, there is wide-ranging debate on this subject; both sides have valid points.
ELBOW makes a point of his dislike that dutty man HENRY FORD; his viewpoint is thus:


HENRY FORD in (The Dearborn Independent, 12-19 February 1921

"Jews have always controlled the business... The motion picture influence of the United States and Canada... is exclusively under the control, moral and financial, of the Jewish manipulators of the public mind."

BONAPARTE, NAPOLEON. French statesman, general.
"The Jews provided troops for my campaign in Poland, but they ought to reimburse me: I soon found that they are no good for anything but selling old clothes..."

Interesting topic........................................................................ (ELBOW said that this post was "a bit harsh on me".

FL - Here to be controversial.

FUCK UND GEIST

Look out for Golden Tickets. They're actually light blue. If you got one, don't forget to claim whatever free shit that it entitles it to you. The grand prize is a corporate ti-pi at Glarsetonbury, and a crate of Pimms served from the harris of Prince Harry. All courtesy of the BIG SOCIETY.
It's all a bit Shoreditch for our liking. FUCK UND GEIST!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Fuck and Ghost in Germanic)

E&FL

Black People and the Rainforest...

So, the internet world went mental over this obviously fake McDonalds message:

Expensive McCunt burgers for black people?

So, it's not hypothetically okay for them to McDo this? Correct.
But it's okay for them to cut down rain forests, displacing thousands of indigenous people, let alone ruining valuable ecosystems?
It's okay for them to promote massively unhealthy food, and to dominate cities across the globe?

Get some FUCKING perspective you hypocritical fuckwits, and bring the champagne swilling swines DOWN!

If only all kids were this cool

Check disss...

It's like the Super Soaker has turned into something from the war in Iraq.
Malthus would be proud....the world is over populated so why not let children do this to each other?
Or as Hobbs would say...life is nasty, brutish and short... particularly the case for these lads.


Yes, fuck~geist is able to educate society as well as mock it.
Also, pretttttty good tuuuune too!

FL (Elbow returns soon...sooner the better, he's currently taking it up the HARRIS)

Let's exploit you

So. Added adsense to this. The capitalist system in full effect. Maybe this blog is hypocritical. Maybe life is hypocritical. Maybe we're just being ironic. Maybe life is ironic. The LOL Ting is the adverts that come up. It's like god is trying to speak to Elbow & Flatline about their lifestyle. (Disclaimer: God doesn't actually exist...sorry if we ruined your Bar/Bat-Mitzvah).
They include.......
"Alcohol not fun anymore? Stop drinking forever in 4 weeks"
"Alcohol addiction advice"
"Musicians get discovered" - Particularly ironic given the blasting we've given to new pretentious music
"Fitness and sport dating" - Yeah, girls are turned on by sweaty alcoholics
"Addiction recovery guide" - HOW DID THEY KNOW WE WERE ADDICTS?!! It's like 1984 all over again, only 27 years too late!
"Recovery of Ethanol and alcohols in tanktruck quantities to your specs" - Actuaaaal What the SHIT!


Essentially, this blog is written under the influence of whatever. It's like the adverts are trying to bring the blog down..and out. But then they get no hits because this blog ends. Capitalism is just one big contradiction.  
To be honest, the revolution WILL (and probs is) be(ing) televised. 

Crystal (meth) Ball

Obituary: Elbow; worker, trade unionist, environmentalist and human rights activist.

'nuff said

The environmental campaigner Elbow who has died from lead poisoning aged 73 which resulted from drinking an out of date alcoholic tin of banana juice, was a key figure in the fight for social and environmental justice in central Exmouth. He was one of the leaders of thousands of Exmouth workers in a landmark strike against the closure of the Q Club in 2140. Elbow was arrested more than 20 times for his protests and for land occupations, and on several occasions suffered abuse in police custody in nearby Budleigh.

In recent years, and at the time of his death, he was the health, safety and environment secretary of Exmouth Allotment Association. In this role he exposed and denounced the damage inflicted on allotment workers, local communities and the environment by the “dutty youths”. He meticulously recorded the accidents and chemical spills from their cheap alcopops, and built networks of activists who protested against the consequences. This work had put him at risk too: he had received anonymous threats of violence and was being sued by a fellow resident who accused him of defecating on his own allotment.

His resilience in the face of such pressure came in part from his early experiences. He was born in the remote area of Kent called Margate, to parents on an average wage who fed their 2 children eggs. He received only elementary education no better than a degree at Portsmouth University and went to work as a teenage labourer on the local carrot fields. The conditions radicalised him, and he soon embarked on a struggle for worker’s rights that was to span nearly four decades.

Like many fellow allotment workers, Elbow suffered from his daily exposure as a pesticide sprayer to dangerous chemicals. He was made sterile by the notorious nematicide DBCP while working on an allotment in Lympstone. DBCP was used widely in East Devon even after it had been banned in the US.  As compensation for being made infertile, he received a four pack of Thatchers Gold and what the Lympstone council described as a local specialality called a “dutty kebab”.

Despite his Portsmouth degree education, he was an articulate and sophisticated critic of the neoliberal model that had reversed the hard-won, small gains made for the poorest Exmouth in previous decades.

Asked by the Guardian during the making of a film about the Muff last year whether his town benefited from Q Club, he said: "Q Wed, Q Fri, Q Sat. What more do you want? The number of alcoholics decreased dramatically after the closure of Q, bringing with it an increase in life expectancy for the Exmouth population with an average age of 90." He expected the fight for the re-opening of Q Club and fairer alcohol pricing in the town to last "until death". And he did indeed die while still actively fighting for his cause. He is survived by his partner Flatlina who was previously Flatline and underwent a sex change, and his adopted son and daughter Junior Elbow.

Elbow, trade unionist, born 27 July 1989; died 31 December 2159

Even the birds tried to stop Elbow enjoying his favourite past time...he drank it anyway

Actual Global shit

Matez, FG now has hits from Russia (probably dutty PUTIN), spain, germany, singapore (loads actually), australia, canada, the US (shit loads), Ukraine, South Africa, India, Hong Kong, Cyprus...the listage goes on. Who the fuck reads this shit! It's only 2 friends posting awful shit between themselves that they find funny. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?!

BARACK AIN'T NO HAPPY

Also got a hit from someone that searched Google for 'the travelling experience'. Probs weren't expecting to get The Adventures of Lars Thorp (see: LARS THORP).

SUPER SAFE!

FL

(ELBOW has gone away to some island for a week, the shit dick)

Dutty Iron in the SOUL...

Had a dutty day at work, FLATLINE got ELBOW a 9 to 5. Throwing him into the throngs of capitalist thought and propaganda. Just needs some fucking kids, house, and wife, in that order. Working turns your dutty soul to iron, stick that up your big arseing society Cameron you dutty CUNNNNNNNNNTTTTTT. Long live Gordon Brown Town.

DUTTY MEN OF BRITAIN UNITED FC

Car Issues an ting...

My dad bought a ford granada, I shat myself every time we came close to a traffic jam. DUTTY BAD MAN TING........ Take that henry ford you racist cunt, this granada was green not black.

Henry Ford the original dutty bad man ting - look at the racism in his eyes

Matez, check out BRAVE NEW WORLD. It's like the world if this Ford lad had his way. It will scare the Mother of Christ out of you, it's where we're headed in life. Thank FORD for that. Ford is the dutty bad man in life. Stop driving, ride a fixie wheel bike everywhere.

This is what your good friend DUTTY HITLER had to say "I regard Henry Ford as my inspiration"

blogspot public masturbate

DUTTY MAN TING

Some dutty men have been viewing this blog. They found it on google after searching for"blogspot public masturbate". In other news, look at this dutty pint of the black stuff.

Heavy weekend for E&FL. Some choice quotage from the banterman.


"look mate we've been friends a long time, you can't just go around calling me a cunt like that, it's not nice YOU SHITDICK"

"I lost my penis to Cambodian genocide"

E&FL OUT YOU DUTTY TINGSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Ukrainian odyssey...

We have a visitor from UKRAINE. So rather than be cynical, this post is in praise of such a wonderful country. No traveller cunts, just a country that no longer lets anyone fuck with it. Ukrainian people don't let any shit pass them by.

Odessa, TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE M8, loves itttttttttttt.

Incidentally Odessa is the administrative centre of the Odessa Oblast (province) located in southern Ukraine.

Adventures of Lars Tharp....

E&FL have been a bit busy.
But here is the story of somebody that travels to a generic foreign country in order to find themselves.

Hi, my name is Traveller Dick Head.

I like to sit in western-style cafes and pretend to meditate while secretly I actually want to masturbate in front of my iPad and update my twitter with my thoughts on the travelling experience, i.e. being miserable most of the time.

But I do this in a noisy environment with all the other western middle class public schooled twats, chain smoke and drink coffee. To be honest, I'm desperate to fit into this generic foreign country, and be like the locals despite the fact I am white and my ipod cost more than they would earn in two years. Why is everyone ignoring me?

I'm going to ask someone for a lighter, and sound like I'm stoned - need to sound like I'm part of the scene.

King Regards

Lars Tharp (Antiques dealer)

This is me meditating in a cafe, why am I on my own :-(((

                                     

So...Cyprus joins the party. I wonder if the visitor was from the Greek or Turkish side. Hopefully the latter....just to be controversial. Or the British military base that is launching attacks on Gadaffi. Poor old Gadaffahhh. If he had Twitter then we would link him to this blog.

Now. For some pretentiousness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOGWjMGDNRM

What the fucking hell are they thinking with this video? Just because they're from Norway, doesn't mean they aren't pretentious benders.

We aren't even going to link the next band, but check out Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs if you love bands with fucking ridiculous names. Imagine being in the band and meeting someone:

Band Twat: "Oh yeah, I'm a 'musician' (read: use GarageBand on my mac) in a band"

Idiot with ironic haircut: "Oh wow, what's it called?"

Band Twat: "errr, totally enormous extinct dinosaurs"

Idiot with ironic haircut: "yeah....okay...fuck off you pretentious muff-evader."

Band Twat: "Fine, fuck you, you just don't understand my art. You know nothing. Only other artists understand."

NOW, for the first hit that comes up on the Google search for "new media art". It isn't new media, but this is a deserving photo. This blog is very cynical, but for once, it is promoting something:

Take that you esoteric twats

Spain in the hooooouse

Now a spaniard has joined our ranks, be it with disgust, trepidation or lust. Care to reveal yourself? LET'S BE CLEAR OF 2 THINGS:
1) THIS IS BEING WRITTEN ON A MAC WHILST LISTENING TO PRETENTIOUS ELECTRONIC MUSIC
2) ANYONE THAT GOES ON THIS BLOG IS TRACEABLE BY US - WE KNOW THE EXACT PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN ON HERE, AND WHERE YOU SEARCHED/FOLLOWED A LINK FROM.

Chrrrrrist, I just can't take the coldness.

fuck~geist goes global...unstoppable art

Which Australian arsetist went on fuck~geist? Come on, you can tell us. You'll get a prize if you make yourself known.
The same goes for the 8 American fuckgeists that have found this site whilst looking for something more erotic. Was it you John Mccain?

Some more arty photography twatishness.

FUCKING TASTEY PICHA BLUD

Just because this picture is shot in an outdated polaroid style it is suddenly an arty picture? Tell that to Gadaffi.

Is the photographer trying to conjure up memories of 1960s new york? Old is new, good is bad. Bullshit of the highest order my fellow twats.

Not here but specifically in england

I know that if I were in a 9-5 that this would be a good night out. Is  a good night out finding some dodgy sexual partner that might have AIDS and be 49 years old? YOU ARE PATHETIC!

Piss Easy Music = All Bases COVERED

E&FL hibernation: OVER

First track from the eponymous E&FL Fuckgeist album, which is out on the 16th March.
But we have an exclusive listening party happening right now.
Even George Bush can listen to this in Guantanomo Bay. Even Osama bin Laden sat in the White House.

Join him there, or PREVIEW THAT SHIT.

FM-assive

Do a live blog on this, THE GUARDIAN.

the end?

"Get creative by not being creative"
A quote by a well respected new media academic.


'nuff said

E&FL OUT

Some more fucking photography...

FLATLINE cajoled ELBOW into taking a humiliating photograph of an empty KFC box during a night on the town.

The photo demonstrates the grim reality of life. The distorted out of focus shitty shot aptly illustrates this. But if its shit does that mean its good in an ironic way? 

FLATLINE & ELBOW

Public reaction

Few cheeky comments on the blog...

• he hates art 
• he’s rude 
• he can’t design a blog to save his life 
• it’s hideous to look at 

top bant

Others have said:

"Badly designed blog, even if this is the ironic intention it’s vile and should be re-designed so more people would enjoy looking at it and take on board your message. And i take offence to the gratuitous use of swearing.’’ Anon.

The students need to check their banter gauge. This is the anti-blog. Dedicated to anti shit, any shit. Doesn't matter if you are Mandela.

This blog post has incorporated a twatish student lexicon, I apologise, but it gets down to their level of thinking.

ELBOW & FLATLINE

Cultural riffing

Beer + Passport = Cultural learning experience.

Just have to riff mate

Slightly intoxicated after too many carling black labels....

Just booked our flight to a country that needs some foreign aids

Going to regret this in the morning

ELBOW&FLAT LINE

Latest Trend?

This guy obviously enjoys a good carrot. 

Who is behind the idea that this is the latest trend? Which specific person thinks this is a good idea?

IS IT YOU?!

OR WORSE STILL, DO YOU WEAR THIS SHIT?!

FLATLINE & ELBOW

fucking travel, fucking photography

ELBOW went travelling, gap yah style.
Did some fucking photography.
Enjoy.

Bit of animal cruelty, but a fucking arty photo. This evidently took a lot of skill and artistic foresight you could only dream of.

Not so arty this time (although look at the fucking shadow effect). But it's fucking political. This is all part of the Cambodian cultural experience, and shows the effect of globalisation on sanitary needs of the world. No more shitting in holes, lads. You wouldn't see North Korea doing this.

ELBOW & FLATLINE

Introducing fuck~geist

The anti zeitgeist blog…fuck it, be unpopular.

If you've bothered this far, this is what you can expect if you persevere:

• anti fashion
• anti art
• piss easy music
• fucking photography

Take that you twat, that's enough for you.

- FLATLINE & ELBOW